It’s just another goodbye.
Another chance to tell you, “by the time you read this, I will be gone.”
I don’t understand the need to justify this. Why does my conscience demand I give a reason? Why does my mind need affirmation? If it’s not a noble cause or physical pain, then all that’s left is desperation. Like the others, the end claims me because I’m desperate.
To describe the fatal day, thunder woke me before the alarm, but the rain stopped and clouds broke before I went to the laboratory. The patterns have been strange, and the sky moves so quickly. My body is heavy and my veins are full of lead.
I despise my coworkers, they’re horrid souls, all of them. They’ve traded the weakness of humanity for the weakness of machines. One by one, these monkeys go into their cages, their pits of despair as Dr. Harlow calls them. Nobody takes an interest in the intensity of a creature’s suffering, only notes. They resist for a few weeks, or as much as two months, but every one of them realizes they’re disconnected and alone. All of them collapse, balls of fur in the corner. They don’t move, and finally starve. Do you blame them for giving up? Do you blame me for giving up? Why does it take a human so much longer to recognize a hopeless situation? Humans and animals will fight for survival against hunger or an enemy, but when you meet isolation, you give up. We can’t survive an encounter with ourselves.
I’m not doing this because of the work, it’s just part of the situation. I was orphaned at a young age. Maybe I was born into despair. I have no memory of my parents, and I’ve never known a fixed home. It turned out ok. I was clever enough to get through school, tread the path to success, but there’s no comfort in it. We revere the scientist, sure, but aren’t we all equal in work? Couldn’t my road be less isolate? One good example, and I could have found someone, anyone, to share this life. But even now, I’m not sorry. Others must go through the hell of continuing. For me, pain ends here. I will leave, missed and remembered by no one.
Derrick Bowman